Attached (Book Review)

Could the amount of time your parents held you as a baby really impact your adult romantic relationships?  Is being needy a myth? Are people who don't want to get too close, full of fear and destined to be eaten by a wild animal because they had no pack to protect them? Are people in (healthy) relationships happier, more productive and better off than single folks?!

Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. think they have inside information that can help you understand your attachment styles in relationships. The authors of the book, Attached,  compiled research from some pretty official sounding studies and researchers. They published a scientific insight into popular relationship road blocks that promise to help one navigate love.  The premise of the book rests on one intriguing discovery, that the entire population can be divided roughly into 3 types of attachment relationship styles. 

AVOIDANCE
People who find excuses to not let partners get too close (or have can’t find “the right” partners at all). These folks use tactics to avoid letting their significant others in on intimate details and aspects of their lives. They don't call consistently. They may not let you see where they live until months after beginning to date. They find excuses to not spend "too much" time with you.  They don't want a partner to become "too dependent" on them (dependency is another belief that Levine and Heller says is a complete myth in relationships.)  The avoidance types continue an impossible search for the "perfect man or woman" believing that there is someone who will be everything they've ever dreamed and wanted (without flaw). *Oh and they tend to romanticize exes to current potential partners. (Oh no they didn't!) Could these avoidance types have been created by parents who left their kids alone to play for hours on end?  Or did they just not cut up their food first? It's not exactly clear in Attached, but it does make you wonder. 
*Don't be too quick to judge this type as just an a**hole, as I was so tempted to do. 
As it turns out, they actually may have major fears of having their independence taken, and sadly, they often end up... ALONE. 

ANXIOUS
This type is actually not as bad as it sounds. While "anxious" types get a bad wrap for being considered needy, Levine says they aren't. He even pats readers' backs by saying their desire for reassurance is totally instinctual. The book suggests that it is a survival tactic of early man/woman to be panicked or anxious if they've gone days without hearing from a romantic interest. These feelings of attachment were necessary to keep the human population from going extinct. Just think if Adam went missing and Eve was all like, "Whatev's!"  I think you get my point. Anxious types like daily communication and can sometimes misread their partner's actions as danger signs that a mate may no longer be interested. Anxious types are categorized as (not always but possibly) having been the type of infant who cried the moment his/her parent left the room. 
*In later chapters, the book concludes that romantic experiences as an adult can also greatly change your attachment style.  (Duh!)

SECURE
These folks are grounded and rational in their relationships. Perhaps they received just the right amount of coddling as a baby.  You know those kids who seem to be super chill whether their parents are near or not? Those are often the kids who grow up to be secure types according to Levine and Heller's book.  "Secures" know how to handle their significant other's meltdowns, insecurities and bad habits. They are still not immune to broken hearts. In fact, the book's author suggests that the securest person at times doesn't know when to call it quits. For instance, if they start to feel themselves morphing into an anxious or avoidance type, it can be hard to end the relationship. Secure types have a secret weapon, in that, they have the contagious ability to help transform their partners into secure types!

I've always said:  When you're in a good relationship with someone who treats you right, you will rightfully raise to that same level of comfort. The 'crazy' only surfaces when the other is playing games or mistreating you.

Levine and Heller, don't always agree with this idea. Their book offers that while anxious types can turn into secure types the reverse is true as well.  It doesn't get rosier, because Avoidance types are prone to date  Anxious and Secure types. How else could two people who don't really care enough ever keep things going? While, it makes sense, it's unfortunate because it creates a bit of a circle causing devastating effects in the Anxious and Secure types. The book offers that Anxious and Avoidance types should strive to become more Secure.  Avoidance types should confront their true issues with intimacy and address why they don't want people to get too close. While, Anxious types should look for tell-tale signs of Avoidance styles and NOT get involved with them instead seeking a mate who will be okay with their anxious attachment style.

Easy enough, right? 

Available on Amazon.com